16TH Birthday

In a couple of weeks my middle Monster will be turning 16. I know that this is a huge milestone I a teenage girls life. I sent a picture to her the other day of my husband teaching her to ride a bike. She then sent a text back saying “mom now he is going to teach me to drive” with that text all these emotions came to me! These huge milestones come and hit you like a train if your ready or not!!!!!! When you become a mom and are up doing the 2am feeds you dream of the days when they can drive and take care of themselves. It is crazy to think when you are up waiting to make sure they make it home by curfew you are wishing you are still doing 2am feeds. Being a mom is a crazy roller coaster of hoping, wishing, dreaming, being worried, being scared, and not ever wanting them to hit huge milestones for selfish reasons. I am sad that she is turning 16 but I am so very proud of the amazing, caring, silly, determined, loving, different, courageous, crazy, carefree, out spoken, loud, proud, feisty, corky, and fun young women she is turning into. My hope and wish for you my middle Monster is that you never ever change anything about you because what makes you you are all amazing qualities. These are the things that will take you far in life never let anyone tell you to change because you are amazing.

This is the picture

Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day has always been so hard for me!!!!! I hate this holiday with a passion! I don’t hate this holiday because I lost my mother but because my mother threw me away like I was trash. I think that when that happens you loose so much not in the physical sense but mentally. The day she threw me away I lost so much of myself, I have never called another women mom don’t get me wrong my grandmother raised me and she was a great mom to me. But I never called her mom. This is the reason that I hate Mother’s Day even now that I have my own kids I still hate that day. This Mother’s Day I felt so much peace I actually enjoyed this Mother’s Day that has never happened. I think the reason I felt so much peace is because I forgave her and started living for today and moving on from the past. I am slowly learning that it is ok to make yourself a priority. With all that said I am going to enjoy Mother’s day!!!!!!!!!!!!

Understanding

I am going to start this by saying I may not always get alone or agree with my MIL but this women needs a little appreciation!!!! I have had a hard couple of weeks (a lot too unpack not enough time) This women has checked in everyday given me words of encouragement. Today things are a little settled she took my youngest Monster out for most of the day so I can have uninterrupted time to myself!! (the other Monster are with there dad) Our youngest Monster is going through it to and needed this time away as much as I needed alone time. I don’t think she understand how much I appreciate her. I wish I had a way to show her. She is the mother that when I was growing up and going through my hell that I would dream about having it is funny how things work out sometimes. She is an amazing Grandmother to all of my children even her 2 bonus Monsters. I am very thankful for her understanding without me ever saying that I need a break and for always asking and telling me everything will work out!!!!!!! With the time she gave me I was able to write this post finish reading my book and drink a HOT cup of coffee. I would have just settled for the HOT coffee lol (if you are a mom you know)

Growing Up

My oldest Monster started his first job this week. This Monster keeper is having a very emotional month I turned another year older (I will not be disclosing it) my oldest Monster turned 17 my middle Monster is touring colleges and my little Monster is turning double digits!!!! Help I was not ready for any of this!!!! I knew this was coming but I was very unprepared. I have a little advice for new parents please please enjoy every single second because it really does fly by. I wish I listened. The time that you have with your young Monsters is very short so my advice is don’t let life take over and miss out on time because time is a gift that you can never get back. I understand that I am very blessed to be home with my Monsters I will never ever take that for granted.

Finding Me!!!!!!

This year I am really trying to find myself!! I know that sounds crazy because I am in my thirties, married and a mom so how do I not know who I am? Well let me be completely honest I grew up in a very rough situation. I am not telling this story because I want any sympathy this is just a part of my life. Growing up my parents were never really around the man who I thought was my dad was in and out of jail so was my mother. My mother was an alcoholic and most of the time was not home. We moved so many times I lost count my cloths were always dirty and to small. I didn’t have a bed and for some time I didn’t even have a blanket. I learned from a very young age that if I wanted to eat I had to cook for myself but not only me but my 4 other brothers and sisters. I took care of them most of the time. I had an older brother who was abusive in every way you can imagine. That is just some of what I had to deal with there is not enough time or battery life to tell the whole story. When I was 11 I went to live with my grandmother which was amazing but I was pushing my feelings way down never ever talking about them because I was so scared of going back to the hell I grew up in!!!! When I was 18 I met a guy who I thought was amazing but I was wrong and I am not going to talk about that story because I have children with him and someday they might read this I don’t want them to think any less of him. I left him and was raising my little monsters as a single mom working like crazy. I met the best thing that has ever happened to me (besides my Monsters of course) my husband. He is the first person I ever felt like I could be myself but with everything I have been through in my life I don’t know who I am!!!! How do I find myself? I recently found out that the man I thought was my dad was not so now I really don’t know where I came from but who I really am!!!!!!!!! With all that said I am going to start living my best life as the best me!!!!!!

Giving Forgiveness For Me!!!!

I am going to give a little back story but please don’t give me your option about my past I fight that demon myself everyday!!! I lived a very rough childhood most of what I am not going to talk about but when I was 11 my biological mother signed her rights away. I was raised by the person who I thought was my biological dad’s family. (I say who I thought because I did a DNA test and found out that he was not my Bio dad but that is a story for another day) Here is the thing I reconnected with my cousin from her side of the family she tells me stories about what they were told by my biological mom and I have the stories about what I was told which leaves so many unanswered questions. I asked my cousin for her number because I want to meet up with my bio mom because I wanted get something of my chest and give her forgiveness not for her but for me!!!!! I need to get closure for me so I can move on. I know that I will never get the answers that I want and need and I have come to terms with that but for me I need to forgive her. I don’t want any kind of relationship with her. The thing is some of my family thinks it is a bad idea others think it is a good idea. With all that said I need to do this for me and no one else!!!!!!!!

My Other Half

My husband and I have our fair share of fights but I am having a lot of trouble with something!! Our little Monsters are becoming more independent our 2 teenage monsters just see us as personal ATMs and our youngest really just needs us to feed him (totally joking they need us for more then that) Here is our problem I think that we lost us in the everyday of raising these little Monster. I know that the love is there but at this season of our life who are we as a married couple?? How do we find us again? I don’t want to be one of those couples who only stay together for the Monsters and end up just coexisting when we are empty nesters!!!!! I am not sure that love is enough to keep a happy marriage!!!! We need to find out how to be a couple again. Here are my thoughts I think that when you are Monster keepers you have to work hard to find time for each other. We have had a lot to deal with in our marriage more then most things like having a sick Monster, family his and mine, crazy baby daddy issues, loss of jobs, and moves with all that said our marriage just took the back burner because even with all that we felt with all the regular everyday things! How do I get my husband to fall in love with me again??? I asked him to date me again. we have been together 11yrs how do you date again???? I really just want to get to know him and our marriage again!!!!!!

My Husband had to be MR Mom!!!

Last week My Husband had to play Mr Mom because I was sick. Can I please tell you how hard it was to let him be Mr mom because I am very hands on with my little Monster I am not the type of person who can stay in bed even if I am sick. Here is a little back story I hate not being in control because for so long I had no control but since I took control back I have a hard time giving it up. He did a very good job not like me but he got things done. This morning I woke up feeling much better not fully myself but I vacuumed and took back control it was so nice. My husband was very happy to give me back my Monster keeper status.

Why!!!!!

Why do these Monsters always ask for their mom not dad? Why do these Monsters think it’s ok to bother moms in the bathroom but not dads? So here is the thing my Monster wait till I am showering, going to the bathroom, brushing my teeth or even just washing my face when they need something but my husband can do all that in peace. My little Monster will talk my ear off all day every time I turn around one of the Monsters are there. Don’t get me wrong I love them and I love that they want to tell me everything about the days they had but I would like to have just a fraction of the peace they give my husband. He comes home “How was your day” they give him it was good,ok,and great. Why is that???

Ending Another Year!!!!!

This year has had a lot of challenges but man our family has become so close. I hate Covid as much as the next person but this Bit** helped my family in a huge way. How has Covid hurt or help the other Monster Keepers out there? I can’t believe how fast this year has gone by. I have learned some amazing things about me as a mom, wife, women, and person. The things I learned as a mom are I still have so much to learn and that it is ok to to admit that every now and then you are wrong and screw things up!! As a wife I found my voice that I lost so many years ago. The things I have learned as a women is I am so strong way stronger than I could have ever imagined. I learned that as a person I can accomplish anything and I have a voice that I need to use more!!!! My little Monsters have amazed me thought all this covid sh** I can’t believe how resilient they are. These Monster are doing great with everything that they are dealing with in this scary time.